End of the Innocence Read online

  She gave me that Mona Lisa smile that drove straight boys all over town crazy. “Since when are you afraid of people staring?”

  She was right. Before I’d come out, I had been used to people staring at me. When I was on the baseball field, there were more eyes on me than most people can imagine. Having a classroom full of students watching me should have been a cake walk, but for some reason I knew I was shrinking in my chair.

  She laughed infectiously when she noticed my discomfort. “Wow! You have changed,” she noted, opening her book. “I never thought I’d see the day Brad Greymark was at a loss for words.”

  “I can talk,” I said, pretending to open my book as well. “I just don’t know what you want.”

  Her smile didn’t waver, but I could see the change in her eyes when she looked at me. “Maybe I just wanted to talk. Is that a crime?”

  I sighed and gave up, since the talking with Jennifer thing was happening whether I wanted it to or not. “Okay. Talk.”

  We just stared at each other for almost a minute. I assumed she was trying to find the words in which to tell me I was a complete asshole, so I waited for her to explode on me because, to her, I’d really been worse than that. Finally she just sighed and shook her head. “Man, you make it hard to like you sometimes.”

  That didn’t sound anything like what I was expecting. “Say what?” I asked.

  “I’m just saying, you were the one who didn’t tell me he was gay for three years, then came out and embarrassed the fuck out of me, and now you have an attitude?” Her voice didn’t sound angry, but I knew her well enough to know that when Jennifer sounded like she was joking, she really wasn’t.

  “I just assumed you didn’t want to talk to me,” I admitted after a few seconds.

  “I didn’t, but that’s beside the point.” She laughed, and I could tell by the fake tone she was as nervous as I was.

  “So why are you talking to me, then?” I ventured, hoping I wasn’t pushing my luck.

  She shrugged again and began tracing circles in her notebook. “Maybe I’m done being angry? Maybe I’ve gotten over it?” She gave me a shy look. “Maybe no matter how pissed off I was, I can’t deny that Kyle kid brings out the best in you?”

  Once again I found my flabber completely gasted.

  She saw my confusion and smiled. “I’m not going to lie. The first few weeks, I hated both of you because you never smiled at me like you did at him. But when I heard they were kicking you off the team, I lost it.” She was still tracing circles in her book, the only outside indication she was as nervous as I felt. “You practically carried that team to state last year. For them to kick you off for that….” She broke the point of her pencil off, and I could see the tip of anger that was the only indication of a huge iceberg of fury that lay just below the surface.

  She grabbed another pencil out of her bag and started making circles again. “Anyway, I realized a lot of people were mad at you just to be mad.” Another small smile. “I mean, I had a ton of reasons, but they didn’t, and that ticked me off.” She stopped making circles. “So I decided ‘what’s done is done’. Besides, you guys are too cute for words, so why stay mad?”

  I had thought I felt bad about what I’d done to her before, but seeing her sitting here, burying the hatchet like this, I was stunned by the fact that I really didn’t know much about Jennifer at all. “I am so sorry about hurting you,” I blurted out, the emotion beginning to rise inside me. “You deserved better than that.”

  Her mouth was a crooked grin that could make lesser men buckle. “I know.” We sat, both of us doodling and turning text pages while we figured out what to say next.

  “So, Christmas break’s coming up,” she said casually.

  “Yeah, can’t wait,” I answered, not sure where this was going.

  “Kelly’s having The Party…,” she trailed off.

  Oh shit, The Party.

  While my brain scrambles to find the ability to make words again, let me explain that Kelly’s parents are some of the worst people I have ever met. People have to get a license to fire a gun, drive a car, even to sell hot dogs on the corner, but any idiot can have a kid. If there were two people less suited to be parents than mine, they were Kelly’s.

  His mother was one of those ladies who had no idea how to act her age. She still wore clothes that would have looked tacky on girls with half her mileage. She had a Snookie-like tan that made her skin look more like tanned hide, and I am not even going to go into her hair. Worse, she took every opportunity to try and flirt with any of Kelly’s friends who were stupid enough to come over to their house over the summer. To have a woman who is as old as, if not older than, my mother tell me I was “growing up nicely” and then give me a long look up and down was just about the creepiest thing I could imagine.

  His father was even worse.

  There is a certain type of man who can only judge his value based on how many women find him attractive. He keeps count of how many girls he thinks he can have. That number translates exactly to how much of a man he is. I was used to seeing this behavior in guys my own age, but to see it in a man as old as my father was just gross. And that was Kelly’s father: gross.

  I don’t know if he was oblivious to the fact he was balding and overweight and at least three times the age of the girls Kelly knew, but his dad would leer at any girl no matter how old she might be. That kind of thing was just sick. Kelly wasn’t a girl magnet to begin with, and after it got out how pervy his dad was, it was near impossible to get a girl to come over to his house at all. The only exception was The Party.

  Every year, his parents went out of town right after Thanksgiving and left Kelly alone at their place. Now you’d think a teenage boy throwing a house party when his parents left for a few days might be a stereotype. In Kelly’s case, it wasn’t like that. You see, his parents knew about the party and let Kelly throw it every year. They would leave him some money and then drive off for a week, knowing their teenage son was alone and having a party for half of Foster. They wanted to be known as the cool parents, the ones the kids liked and trusted. As with my parents, appearances were all that mattered, and not in a good way.

  Like I said, these people shouldn’t have been allowed to buy a dog, much less raise a child.

  All moral objections aside, The Party had become legendary in the town over the last four years. It had grown year after year, and now that it was Kelly’s senior year, it was rumored to be the best one yet. I had known all this, of course, but since everything with Kyle and me had gone down, going to The Party had been the last thing on my mind.

  Until, you know, like now.

  “Did I lose you?”

  I looked up and saw Jennifer staring back at me. I wondered how long I had spaced out and shook my head. “No, just completely forgot about it.”

  “Color me shocked! Brad Greymark actually forgetting a party!” She was teasing me, but she was still telling the truth. I had been the first person to bring up having a party. I loved being able to drink, hang out with my friends, and not have to clean up after the chaos, so of course, I pushed for other people to throw them all the time.

  I pretended to skim through my textbook, turning pages at random as I ignored her gaze. “Yeah, I’ve been in the middle of other things; parties I can’t go to aren’t that important to me now.”

  “Why can’t you go?” she asked.

  I looked up at her, openly incredulous. “Um, for about a thousand reasons, but the most important being I wasn’t invited.”

  She rolled her eyes and went back to her circles. “Like anyone is ever invited. Now you’re just making up excuses.”

  I leaned forward and said in an angry whisper, “How about because the three guys who held me down and beat the shit out of me in the locker room are going to be there, and I don’t want that happening to Kyle. Ever.”

  When she looked up at me, I could see the abject horror in her eyes. “That really happened?”

  “I hav
e the bruises up and down my abs to prove it.”

  She tried to cover her shock, but she was clearly pissed. “More reason you should show up,” she said, not looking at me. “You stay away, all they are going to do is think they won.” Now her eyes met mine. “Show up and let the people who are really your friends get a chance to meet the real you. And if anyone tries to hurt you or Kyle, they can answer to me.”

  I laughed despite how serious she’d become. “And what exactly are you going to do to them? Make them over to death?”

  Remember, I have known this girl since we were kids, and I had been intimate with her for the last three and a half years, so when I say I thought I knew who she was, I am not making an idle comment. I had been there when her grandmother died, when her dog got hit by some asshole speeding on her block. I was there the night her dad said she looked like a whore for wearing a miniskirt on a date with me. I really had thought I’d seen every facet there was to this girl. But I assure you, there was a stranger staring back at me when she said, “Because my dad made sure I never leave the house without protection. And he didn’t mean condoms.” The smile she gave me was a predator’s.

  “You’re serious?” I asked, more to myself than to her, because it was obvious from the look on her face she was more than serious.

  “You fucked them up with that little speech at the school board. If you don’t move now, by the time we come back from the break, no one will remember what you said and did. And you and Kyle go back to being second-class citizens.” Now she leaned across the desk toward me. “You want to change this town? Show up with Kyle on your arm and force them to accept it. And if you go, I promise you, you’ll have at least one person standing there with you.”

  I was stunned.

  “I… I did not deserve to be with you,” I stuttered as I tried to get my mind back into gear.

  “No,” she said, smiling. “That we can agree on.” She looked around to the other people whose heads were down in their books. “Now you wanna try to guess what we were supposed to be doing all this time?”

  And that was when I knew things had begun to change at school.

  KYLE

  WHEN class let out, Sammy and I walked out together.

  “So where do you eat lunch?” she asked casually.

  “Normally, the music room steps in the quad.” Brad and I had decided though there were less public places to eat together, we were making a statement in plain sight of everyone. For the first few weeks, people’s reactions had been pretty bad, but now people didn’t even give us a second look. The other day, one of Brad’s friends actually gave him a head nod as he’d walked by us. Brad said it didn’t mean anything to him, but I could tell it really meant the world.

  “Oh, I usually eat in the theater,” she admitted as we walked out of the math building.

  “Sit with us,” I offered immediately. “Your hair looks way better out in the light anyways.”

  I saw her give a slight pause before asking. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course,” I answered, nodding. “Unless you don’t want to be seen with the gay couple, then I’d totally understand.” She stopped walking. About three steps more and I realized she wasn’t following anymore. I turned back and asked her, “What?”

  “Dude, I have zero problems with you and Wonder Jock being gay. Hell, if you want the truth, I think it’s kind of hot. I just… I never had someone ask me to, like, sit with them with other people around.”

  I could feel the grin break out across my face. “Well, now you have.” I headed back to her and hooked my arm into hers. “Come on. Brad will be waiting.”

  When we got to the quad, Brad was waiting. With Jennifer.

  Now it was my turn to stop, causing Sammy to be jerked back since our arms were still intertwined. “Is that his ex-girlfriend?” she asked, seeing my face go ash white. I just nodded mutely as they sat there on the steps laughing at something. “Oh shit,” she said, biting her bottom lip.

  Brad saw me and waved me over. As we walked over, flashbacks of him introducing me to Jennifer as his girlfriend kept racing through my brain. I think my knees literally began to shake. As soon as I hit the first step, he moved over and gave me a huge hug, an action that was normal for him but this time caused me to freeze in confusion.

  He pulled back and gave me a worried look. “What’s wrong?”

  I looked over to Jennifer and then back to him. “Something you want to tell me?” I tried not to sound like a jealous girlfriend. I say “tried” because, in my ears, I sounded like I was an extra on Gossip Girl all of a sudden.

  He looked back at her and then back at me; if anything he looked even more confused than before. And then he started laughing uncontrollably. This reaction did nothing to make me feel better. If anything, it just snapped me out of my stupor and straight into pissed off.

  “This isn’t funny,” I said, an imaginary hand whipping through my hair as I waited for the camera to come in on my close-up. When he didn’t stop laughing, I spat out a harsh “Fuck you” and turned to stalk away.

  I felt his hand on my shoulder, and he spun me around into his arms.

  His eyes were bright with amusement. “How many different ways do I have to say I love you?” The sincerity in his voice made all my previously stated anger turn into embarrassment. I saw the conviction of his emotions staring back at me.

  For some insane reason, my eyes stung from unshed tears. When had I become a guy who got all teary constantly? He hugged me again, and my arms slipped around his waist, and I clung to him the same way a drowning man clutches a life preserver.

  Wow! That analogy was a bit on the nose for my taste.

  “You okay?” he whispered. I nodded into his chest.

  Slowly, in exactly the same manner one would usher a nervous animal along, he walked me up the stairs. “You remember Jennifer?”

  I smiled at her and hated how pretty she was. It was an ugly reaction, and I will completely admit to it, but it was the first time in my life I resented someone for being something I wasn’t. Brad chose me over this? I mean, I am not even into girls, and I would pick her over me. “Hi,” I said quietly. “Nice to meet you again.”

  She held out her hand. “History whore, right?”

  Oh my God, I am going to die.

  I must have blushed, because she chuckled and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I just thought that was the funniest thing I’d ever heard. You’re Brad’s history whore, and I am Jennifer, formerly known as the beard.” Her smile was insane, and I found myself returning it automatically. “Pleased to finally meet you.”

  I stepped a little away from Brad and shook it back. “I was a dick that day—” I began to explain, but she waved me off.

  “Let’s just agree this is the first time we are all meeting and move on from there?” I thought she might be joking, but I could see the seriousness in her eyes. “I’m Jennifer, you’re Kyle, that is Brad, and you are…?” She looked to Sammy, who had almost faded into the background.

  “Sammy,” she said, her tone of voice broadcasting she had no idea what the hell was going on.

  “And Sammy,” Jennifer finished. “I love your hair, by the way.” And she really did; I could hear the truth in her voice.

  And just like that, she had turned Sammy to her side.

  “Thanks,” she answered quietly.

  “So we gonna sit down and eat or just stand around introducing each other?” Brad asked, gesturing to the steps where we usually wolfed down lunch.

  “Oh….” Jennifer paused. “You actually eat out here?” She looked to the student union where they actually sold lunches and then put on a big smile. “No biggie. I’m not that hungry anyway.”

  As she began to sit down, Brad offered, “Why don’t I go grab us something?” He looked at me. “You wanna keep the girls company?”

  No, no I did not, but that would have been rude and insulting of me, so I just nodded. “Grab me a Coke?” I asked.

  He winked a
nd then ran off.

  I smiled at both Sammy and Jennifer and sat down. “So…,” I began to say, and then realized I had absolutely no idea what to say.

  “So I thought you were pretty mad at Brad,” Sammy said to Jennifer when it became clear I wasn’t going to say anything of importance. “I heard some ugly rumors.”

  I’m not sure how she asked that and didn’t sound like a complete bitch, but somehow she managed. Maybe it was the lack of hostility in her voice, or maybe it was because it sounded like she was actually asking a question instead of implying she already knew the answer. All I knew was it was the last thing I would have asked Jennifer.

  “I was,” Jennifer answered; her smile was not quite as wide as it had been. “But I’ve had time to think about everything, and I don’t like the way people are coming down against the two of them.” She was talking about Brad and me as if we’d both gone to grab something. I relaxed and listened.

  “Yeah, but weren’t you one of those people a couple of weeks ago?” Again, Sammy asked and didn’t demand. It was impressive to watch her stare down one of the most popular girls in school like she was Nancy Grace all of a sudden.

  “My problems with Brad had more to do with him lying than with his actual sexuality.” For the first time, Jennifer looked at me. “I have zero problems with you guys being gay, seriously. I think it takes a huge amount of courage to do what you did.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, my entire body half-numb from shock.

  She looked back to Sammy and locked eyes with the other girl. “Being angry takes way more energy than it’s worth. So I decided to see if Brad and I could be friends.” She didn’t ask, “Is that okay with you?” but she implied the question when she paused and arched one eyebrow.

  An uncomfortable silence plugged itself into the next few seconds. The three of us sat there, not sure what came next. Josh Walker and his friends walked by, their heads turning like they were watching a car accident or something. “Hey, Wednesday Adams! Wash some of that shit off your eyes! You look like a fucking raccoon!”