End of the Innocence Read online

  I actually felt my chest tighten up some when I heard his voice. “Sucks without you,” I answered honestly. “Where are you?”

  “You would not believe me if I told you.” He sounded half-distracted, and I could hear music in the background. “I miss you,” he said in a quiet voice, like he was telling me a secret.

  “This sucks without you,” I said in the same whisper. I was holding the phone with both hands now like it would somehow help me get closer to him. “When are you coming home?” I sounded exactly like every single girl in every romance movie ever made.

  “Soon, I think,” he said in the same whisper. “I hope we’re almost done here.”

  “Where?” I asked again.

  “I’ll tell you when I get home. I miss you too.” I could hear the smile in his voice, and just like that my day got better.

  “Call me when you get home?” I asked anxiously.

  “The very second,” he promised.

  “I love you so much,” I heard myself say over the phone. I hadn’t even meant to say it, but the words came spilling out before I could stop them.

  There was a small pause before he answered. “Not as much as I love you.” His voice broke with emotion, and I knew he was missing me as much as I was missing him.

  I hung up before I said something even dumber.

  When I got to the steps, Jennifer and Sammy were picking at a tray of food and talking to each other. “So am I still an asshole?” I asked, sitting next to them.

  “Yes, but we forgive you,” Jennifer said, handing me a burger. “So, call Kyle?” I nodded with my mouth full. She looked over at Sammy. “Told you.” Then to me she added, “You are so his bitch.”

  I flipped her off as I took another bite.

  “I’m sorry I came off so agro,” Sammy said between bites. “It’s my default setting when dealing with jocks.”

  I waved her off. “I understand. I’m just not used to sharing information. My last group of friends would take the smallest piece of gossip and turn it into something the size of Everest by the end of the day.”

  “Man, you aren’t kidding,” Jennifer muttered as she took a sip of Pepsi.

  We sat in relative silence for a while, each one of us taking the day in the best we could. It was as nice as it could be without Kyle there, so, of course, the peace wasn’t going to last.

  Tony walked toward me with Josh Walker right behind him.

  I heard Jennifer sigh as they climbed up the first couple of steps to us.

  “What?” I called out to him, hoping to end this before it became anything.

  He paused, the scowl on his face deepening. “I wanted to say that was uncool what my dad did.” I saw Jennifer and Sammy pause, and I knew how they felt because, if I was completely blown away by his admission, I knew they had to be almost speechless.

  There was a pregnant pause as we all waited for someone to say something else. So I just ended up deciding it was going to be me. “Yeah, it was.”

  He had been in the process of walking away when I said it. Josh had tapped him on the shoulder and no doubt gave him a quiet “Dude, let it go,” which was the teenage guy’s version of a hostage negotiator defusing a bank holdup. You can be Incredible Hulk angry, but if one of your bros puts his hand on your shoulder and says “Dude, let it go,” you are then given a free pass to walk away without being called a pussy by other people. You can leave and tell your friends that you “would have pounded that guy into paste if Josh wasn’t there to calm me down,” and no one could call bullshit on you. He was just about to walk away, and I fucked it up.

  He spun back around and shouted at me, “What did you say?”

  This is where I made things worse.

  I say that because I could have just shrugged and said nothing, and it would have been over. This was him trying to toss me a bone and do the bare minimum it took for him to not come off like an asshole. He wasn’t happy with what went down, and he was coming to me to say “Hey, that wasn’t me.” I could have let it go. I could have taken it and just gone on with my lunch.

  And I might have done that if Kyle had been with me.

  But I’d had a shitty enough day, and I could lay it right at the feet of this asshole. I got to my feet as I snarled back, “You heard me. It was fucked up.” Jennifer and Sammy backed up as Tony got in my face.

  “Well, it wouldn’t have happened if you and your freak weren’t locking lips in public!” His chest was pressed up against mine; from another view it could look like we were going to kiss.

  “I’ve seen you and the dogs you take on dates making out since I was fourteen! What’s the difference?” I pushed against him but didn’t use my hands. This was like soccer; the first person to use their hands was the first person to actually throw a foul. The point now was to say something to make the other guy push first, and from there we’d ride the inevitable-fight escalator.

  Trust me; that was where we were heading.

  “The difference is, that fag shit is gross!” He bumped me back.

  “No. What’s gross is me having to see your redneck ass try to shove your tongue down any girl’s throat every Friday night after a game.” Bump and a step forward.

  “Least it’s a girl!” Harder bump back into me.

  “You’re a fucking girl.” I saw his eyes twitch at that, and I knew we were about to go.

  I pulled my fist back, ready to watch the side of his face cave in, when Tony just vanished. One second he was in front of me, the next he was gone. I looked around like an idiot before I realized he was on the ground with someone on top of him. It took me another second to realize that the someone was Kelly.

  What the fuck?

  Kelly had pinned Tony down and was waling on him. Tony was technically bigger than Kelly in height and build, but right then he was on his back with Kelly on top of him, not giving Tony the time to remember he had an advantage, much less use it. I was so shocked to see Kelly beating him, it took a second to actually realize what he was saying to Tony.

  “Why can’t you just let it go?” he snarled, slamming Tony onto the ground. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do we have to keep making excuses to attack them?” Kelly seemed more upset than actually angry; his voice sounded almost panicked. “We’ve done enough to them! Fuck, haven’t we done enough?”

  He was on the verge of crying, and just seeing that freaked me out. I went for Kelly the same time Josh did, and we pulled him off Tony. He was still swinging when we got him to his feet. Josh looked at me and silently asked if I had him, because Kelly was in no way calming down. I nodded at him and stepped right in front of Kelly. “Hey. Hey!” I shouted in his face.

  He blinked twice before his eyes slowly focused on me.

  “What the fuck?” I asked, confused. “What are you doing?”

  His eyes were as red as if he had been crying, but there were no tears yet. “I’m tired of hating you,” he said, clearly exhausted. “I’m just tired of all of it.”

  I had no answer to that. I just froze because it was the most emotion that had come out of Kelly’s mouth… well, ever, and I didn’t have a clue how to deal with it. I turned when Jennifer ran up and tugged at Kelly until he leaned on her. “Come on, stud,” she urged him, her voice overly cheerful. “Let’s take a walk somewhere else.”

  She began to lead him off when Tony, who had been helped up by Josh, shouted. “Yeah, you better get your faggot ass out of here!” He glared at me. “You need your boyfriends to fight your—”

  I am going to go with “battles,” but we will never know because Josh just hauled off and punched him across the jaw. Tony’s knees buckled, and he went down like a tree crashing to the ground, the punch was so unexpected. Jennifer and I both looked over at Josh, who was rubbing his hand. He glared down at Tony and snapped, “Jesus Christ, give it a fucking rest already. We get it, you don’t like gay people. None of us do.” He looked over at me. “No offense, man, it just creeps me out.” I nodded, and he looked back at Ton
y. “But what the hell do you think you’re proving doing all this? You’ve moved from ‘giving the fag a hard time’ into ‘asshole bigot’ territory. If Kyle and Brad bug you that much, stay away from them.”

  Shaking his head, he stormed off, leaving Tony rubbing his jaw and the center of everyone’s attention. I held my hand out to help him up. He stared at it for a few seconds and then took it. Seeing there was no further bloodshed to be had, the onlookers began to walk away.

  Tony and I stood there, neither one of us knowing what to say next.

  “You shouldn’t do that shit in public, man,” he said in a low voice. I opened my mouth to complain, and he kept talking. “Look, you want to kiss your boyfriend, that’s great. You wanna be….” I saw him bite back the word fags and replace it with “…gay and all that, then do it. But stop throwing it in people’s faces. It just makes people like my dad crazy.”

  “Are you one of those people?” I asked him, trying to keep the anger and loathing out of my voice.

  “It bugs me, man,” he finally admitted.

  I shrugged. “People do lots of things that bug me. I just ignore them and look away.”

  “My dad won’t ignore it, man.” He almost sounded like he was warning me.

  “Your dad didn’t start this fight.” I could see the realization sink in when I said that. He backed away a few steps and then turned and just left. I think he was honestly confused.

  Turning back to Kelly, I sighed. This day just kept getting worse and worse.

  KYLE

  I CLOSED my phone and slipped it back into my pocket.

  “Brad?” Robbie asked as he cut another slice of rib meat with his knife. I nodded and picked up the rib on my plate with my fingers and took another bite out of it.

  Tom had made us lunch, which turned out to be an incredible rack of BBQ ribs and fries. I swear it was easily the best thing I had eaten in recent memory. We had all dropped the topic of the wall, a temporary cease-fire called on account of food. But as the ribs vanished and the fries dwindled down to nothing, an uncomfortable silence lurked among us.

  At least, it was uncomfortable to me.

  “You looked like you enjoyed those,” Tom said, his pride in his cooking clear in the tone of his voice. I gnawed the last of the meat off of the bone and nodded while I glanced hopefully at the sad, empty place where the rack of ribs had been enthroned only a few minutes earlier. When nothing magically filled the platter, I examined the chaos on my plate, looking hopefully for some bits of meat. I also tried not to look like a dog guarding my dinner. Tom looked smugly back at Robbie. “See? Someone knows how to eat ribs.”

  Robbie tossed his napkin onto the plate. “I assure you, I have never once had a complaint about how I eat meat.”

  I almost choked at that polite statement, and both of them burst into laughter. Red, was my face red? No—it had definitely passed red and headed toward crimson. More laughter.

  “So, you have time to think about it?” Robbie asked me point-blank. His abrupt change of focus should have caught me more off guard than it did.

  I wiped my mouth and went over the answer I’d already framed in my mind. After a sip of pop, I nodded. “I’ve been thinking about it, yeah.”

  “So you understand what we’re saying?” His voice had a hopeful tone.

  “I understood when you first brought it up,” I said as politely as I could. “I just don’t agree with you.” They both looked at me like I had grown a second head.

  “Which part do you not agree with?” Tom asked before Robbie could say anything.

  “The part where those people”—I pointed at the picture wall—“and what happened to them have anything to do with me or Brad and me going to that party.” I felt like I was a kid trying to have a conversation with two adults and failing badly because I was talking about generalities, and they were talking about stuff that actually had happened to them. It almost made me lose my train of thought, but I pressed on. “What happened to Riley and those people is horrible, but it just isn’t relevant here. Whether or not Brad and I go to that party, people will still hate gay people, and they will still hurt us. I don’t see how going to a party is all that important. I just don’t think it ever could be.”

  Robbie began to open his mouth, but Tom waved him off and started talking instead. “When I grew up around here, there was nothing for gay people. You couldn’t come out, you couldn’t have a boyfriend, and even if you wanted to go to a party, you wouldn’t because the odds were you’d get your ass kicked.”

  He looked like he was going to keep going, but I interrupted him. “And a couple of months ago, I was told there was nothing anyone could do about people picking on me at school for being gay unless they hit me in front of someone who would report it. My boyfriend got thrown off the baseball team, even though he’s a key player, and he’s been beaten up. Odds are, if we go to this party, we will get our asses kicked. The more it changes, the more it’s the same thing. Now tell me again why Brad and I should risk our lives.”

  Tom looked confused, so Robbie jumped in. “Because someone has to say they aren’t moving to the back of the bus.”

  “I’m not Rosa Parks,” I replied confidently.

  “Yes,” he assured me. “You are.”

  No one talked while the jukebox finished playing its last song. “I get you’re scared—” Robbie began.

  “Do you know Rosa Parks was a plant?” I interrupted.

  He stopped and gave me a confused look. “A what?”

  “A plant. She wasn’t tired and didn’t want to give up her seat. She worked for the NAACP and wanted to be arrested. People always say she was too tired to give up her seat and then got arrested, but that isn’t the case. Other people had been arrested before her, but the NAACP didn’t feel their case would hold up. Rosa Parks knew when she sat down on that bus her life was changing, and she did it on purpose. I am not Rosa Parks.”

  Robbie looked at me in shock and then back to Tom. “Did you know that?” Tom shook his head.

  “You want me to be Rosa Parks. You want me to walk into that party representing those people,” I said, nodding over toward the wall. “And I am telling you I can’t. I don’t even know if I am going. And do you know why?” They both shook their heads no. “Because neither one of you can say with any certainty that going to that party won’t be the reason Brad or I or maybe both of us end up being obituaries on that other wall.”

  I just wanted to go home to Brad. Turning to Robbie, I added, “Whenever you want to take me back, I’m ready.” And then I looked at Tom. “Bathroom?” He pointed over toward the other side of the bar. I got up feeling every inch of the tired person I was. I made sure not to make eye contact with any of the pictures as I passed them.

  I took my time going to the bathroom, giving Tom and Robbie more than enough time to digest what I said and to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t their guy. Worse than that, I didn’t even want to be their guy. I just wanted to finish this year and get the hell out of Foster, out of Texas as fast as I could.

  Because I couldn’t shake the feeling I was going to end up having an obit on the other wall if I didn’t.

  When I left the restroom and looked across the bar, the table had been cleared, and Robbie had his keys out. “You ready?” he asked brusquely. When I nodded, he looked to Tom. “Thank you for the hospitality.”

  Tom nodded and walked over to me. “You and your guy are welcome here any time. Since we serve food, we can have minors in as long as they don’t drink.” I began to tell him that probably wouldn’t happen when he held up a hand. “And before you tell me the probability of that happening, let me remind you manners dictate you just say thank you for the invitation and move on.”

  I closed my mouth, smiled, and said, “Thank you for the invitation.” He held out his hands, and I let him pull me into a hug. As I hugged him back, he whispered, “Don’t let those brains make you stupid. Everyone needs someone sooner or later. We will always be here.�
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  I wasn’t sure how to take that, but I just nodded and slowly pulled back.

  “If you two need a room…,” Robbie complained impatiently.

  “You know, Ms. Thing, I remember when you were a hot mess as well. Don’t make me read you right here in front of the kid.”

  I was going to make a comment about not being a kid, but I resisted.

  Robbie walked out into the afternoon sun to his car with me following a little bit behind him.

  The return was about as uneventful as the ride out there, except now there was a big, ugly silence in the car with us. There was no music this time, no idle conversation, just Robbie, me, and the ugly silence in the backseat sticking its head over the center console, daring us to talk. I wasn’t sure if he was mad or disappointed, but either way it was not a conversation I looked forward to having, so I ignored Robbie and the silence and watched the road again.

  “I get it,” he said after almost thirty minutes of nothing. I looked over at him silently. “I really do; I was the same way in high school. Keep my head down, don’t call attention to myself, don’t be the obvious fag, repeat until college.” He cracked his window as he lit a cigarette. “I didn’t want to be gay, I didn’t want people to know I was gay, and the only way to do that was to pretend my gayness didn’t exist. I just needed to get through those last four years, and then I’d be home free.” He took a long drag and flicked his ashes out the window.

  “What happened?” I asked, curious.

  He looked over at me and then looked away with a half smile. “Same thing that happens with every high school queen in the closet. I ended up having a crush on a straight guy I could never have and outing myself accidentally.” He took another two drags to settle his nerves. “The boy hated me because he was embarrassed; I was humiliated because suddenly I was the high school’s token homosexual, and I spent the last two years of high school alternating between being in a medical coma thanks to booze or flirting with the idea of killing myself.”