End of the Innocence Read online

  “That’s a good question,” the sheriff asked. “What laws do you think they broke?”

  Mr. Adler looked over at him. “Well, breaking and entering, vandalism, not to mention the invasion of privacy issue.”

  It was the wrong thing to say to the sheriff. “One, they didn’t break anything; they had keys. Two, taping stuff to a locker is not vandalism. If that was true, the booster club would be in trouble every time they decorated a player’s locker for game day. As for the invasion of privacy, is the school speaking on behalf of Facebook now, since Facebook is the only entity that can claim that?”

  All three men looked uncomfortable. Belatedly, they had begun to realize our parents weren’t going to just sit there and listen to them expel us.

  Brad’s mom asked, “Are we going to ignore the fact that my son told you there needed to be a change in the attitude of the administration toward bullying at this school?”

  Mr. Davis looked at her with anger on his face. “Kelly did not get bullied on school grounds—”

  “What does it matter, since my son was, and you did nothing about it then?” my mom interrupted him. “You said it was his problem for coming out, so you’re saying this is Kelly’s?”

  “We didn’t say that,” Mr. Adler answered.

  “What are you saying?” Sammy’s dad asked.

  “I am saying your children are no longer welcome at this school,” Davis said, trying to grab control of the meeting again. “As of now, they are expelled.”

  Brad’s mom leaned forward. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

  Mr. Davis returned her glare. “Or what? Your husband is going to come in and threaten us with a lawsuit again?”

  “I don’t need my husband to do that,” she said, standing up. “You have one student who was verbally abused on campus, and you did nothing. My son was assaulted in your locker room, and you did nothing. You want to expel these kids for doing something after one of their friends killed himself because he was tortured by bullies, be my guest. But if you think for one second I will not bury you in the press, you are sorely mistaken. I am tired of this school not taking responsibility for its actions. Or, in this case, its inaction. You want to expel my son? Then you can explain everything that has happened at the press conference.” She looked over at the other parents. “You know, the one we’re going to have the second we walk out of here.”

  They all nodded back at her.

  “A young man took his own life, and you want to punish the only people who were trying to do something about what caused him to commit suicide? I don’t know what passes for logic in your world, Mr. Davis, but whatever it is, I can assure you it won’t hold up to public scrutiny.”

  Mr. Davis stood up now. “I will not be blackmailed again by a group of kids! Or their parents!”

  “That’s fine,” she said, opening her purse. “We won’t be the ones dealing with you.” She pulled out a stack of papers and tossed it on the desk. “The federal government will.”

  Mr. Raymond picked the papers up and began browsing through them as Jennifer’s dad nodded and smiled. “You’re talking about Title Nine,” the sheriff said. Brad’s mom nodded. Everyone else looked on, confused. He began to explain. “If a school receives federal money, it cannot discriminate against people based on gender.”

  “Title Nine is about sports,” Mr. Adler argued.

  “It was, but in some states it has been argued that it also covers discrimination against sexual orientation as well.” The three men didn’t look convinced. “The law was enacted to create a safe place where all students can learn and grow. It focused on sports, but it refers to all schools receiving federal money.”

  “Expel my son,” Brad’s mom said. “He will graduate from Granada, and you can explain to the school board why you just lost all of your funding.” She leaned on the desk to look directly into Davis’s face. “This school is for all the students. Not just the ones you like.”

  “This will never hold up,” Raymond blustered.

  Mrs. Greymark gave him a smile that made me promise never to piss her off. “Davis vs. Monroe Board of Education. Federal funding was withheld because the funding recipient was held liable for student-on-student harassment. The harassment was severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive; the school district had actual knowledge of the harassment, and it acted with deliberate indifference to the harassment.” She turned around and said to Brad, “I looked it up when I was sober.” She turned back to the principals. “If that doesn’t sound like what you have done to these kids, I don’t know what does. I don’t need my husband to threaten you. I can do it fine all by myself.”

  It looked like all the blood had drained out of Mr. Raymond’s face.

  Sammy’s dad stood up. “I am taking my daughter home. She will be back at school tomorrow.” He paused for a moment. “If it’s not this one, you better tell me now so I can call my lawyer.”

  Jennifer’s dad took a step closer to Mr. Raymond. “Here’s an easy fix. Pass the antibullying codes you all have been sitting on for months now. You will say it is because you realize there is a problem, and you want to address it. We know it is because we have your feet over the fire. You slap these kids on the hand for what they did”—his voice got real angry—“and try to do the right thing for once.”

  The principals looked like they were about to throw up.

  My mom motioned for me to leave with her, and we all walked out as one. As soon as we were out of earshot, she said, “You know, if you don’t want to go here anymore, I will transfer you to Granada today.” Brad and the others paused and looked at us.

  I had the feeling they were waiting for me to say something.

  If we left, Davis and the rest of the school board would be thrilled. Without us pressuring them, they would let the school slide back to the same way it had always been. People like Sammy, the library crew, and everyone else who weren’t lucky enough to be cool would have to suffer through what we all had the past four years. Brad looked at me, and I could see in his eyes that he would transfer with me in a second.

  Even if that meant he couldn’t play baseball.

  They were all looking at me, waiting for me to make a decision. They were going to follow me. Whatever I chose right now, they would do the same thing. I felt a familiar panic begin to rise up in the pit of my stomach as everyone paused and looked at me to speak. It would be easy to just say yes, transfer, and fuck this school. They didn’t want us here; no one did. I wasn’t sure if Granada wanted us, but anything would have to be better than this place.

  I saw Raymond and the other principals looking at me too. They were waiting as well.

  I wanted to piss myself, I was so scared in that instant. I could barely figure out what to make for breakfast, and these people were looking at me to make a choice that would change the rest of their lives….

  Lives they still had, unlike Kelly.

  I closed my eyes and thought of Kelly, and the choice became incredibly simple. “No,” I said to her but talking to the entire group. “No, I want to stay, if for nothing else, just to make them change things.” I saw Sammy smile at me, and I knew I had made the right choice. “I’m not going anywhere.” I gave Brad a look and then looked over to the older men. “If they want us to sit in the back of the bus, they better bring more than just a couple of middle-aged principals to make us. I am not going anywhere, none of us are.” I locked eyes with Mr. Raymond. “You’ll be gone before I am.”

  Epilogue

  I Will Fix You

  BRAD

  THE day of the funeral was miserable.

  The sky was a dirty gray that made it look like all creation was in mourning. My mom had set out my suit the night before, and as I sat there staring at it, I couldn’t bring myself to put it on. We hadn’t talked since school, but she knew I was proud of the way she handled herself. I was sure we would have a real talk later, but right now I had to put on this suit, which I couldn’t bring myself to do.
<
br />   Putting it on would mean that everything was real, that Kelly was gone. If I stayed in my room and refused to move, then the world would stop as well. He would be alive somewhere, safe in his house, and everything would be okay. Nothing would have happened. Somehow time would be turned backward, and he would be waiting for us at school. I would tell him I was sorry, and he would call me a fag.

  Except he wouldn’t.

  Sighing, I got up and began to get dressed. Each new piece of clothing made me feel a thousand pounds heavier.

  I hadn’t even realized my mom was standing in my doorway until I heard her say, “You look like your father did in high school.” Startled, I turned around. She was wearing a black dress I had never seen her wear before. I wondered distantly if she had an outfit just for funerals. Was that what growing up meant? Having a set of clothes ready to say good-bye to fallen friends? If it was, I didn’t want to grow up any more than I had.

  “Is that a good thing?” I asked, trying not to sound too bitter.

  She came in, nodding. Her hands began to fiddle with my tie. “You father may have many, many faults as a human being, but as a man, he was… he is a very handsome man.”

  “Is that why you went out with him?” I asked.

  Her hands paused for a moment. “Maybe. Maybe I saw there was a better man inside of him trying to get out. A man Kyle seems to have found in you.” She patted my lapels down. “Are you riding with us?” she asked, stepping back.

  I shook my head as I slipped my shoes on. “I’m picking up Kyle. I don’t think his mom is going.”

  “Lucky her,” she mumbled, looking around my room. “I know we haven’t talked much about everything that happened. But you do know if you are having any problems….”

  I looked up at her. “Mom, it can wait. We have time.”

  She seemed relieved and nodded quickly. “I know, but I’m a mom. It’s time I started acting like one.”

  I stood up and checked myself in the mirror. “We’ll figure it out.” I walked over to her and kissed her forehead. When had I gotten so much taller than her? I forced the confusing thought out of my mind. The morning was moving too fast, and I just wanted to scream at it to slow down.

  “Don’t be late,” she said, walking out of my room.

  I looked down at my feet and willed them to take me downstairs to my car so I could get going. They refused to move. I uttered another sigh that came from the very core of my being and made me feel even more exhausted than I had felt before. With the enthusiasm of a condemned man turning to face a firing squad, I marched down to my car.

  The entire town seemed to be shut down as I drove down First Street. Most of the shops had a sign in the window that said “Closed for Funeral.” I wished Kelly had seen this, how many lives he had touched, how many people knew him and were missing him. My vision began to blur, and I wished Kelly was here for anything. When I pulled into Kyle’s parking lot, I sat there for a few seconds and forced myself to calm down. I got halfway to the door when Kyle came out.

  I had to give Robbie credit; he knew how to dress my boy.

  The black suit seemed to have been tailored for Kyle’s frame. I couldn’t imagine it was secondhand. He walked up to me and put his arms around me, and I felt myself breaking down again. “I’m so sorry,” he said as I rested my head on his shoulder.

  I had no words as I clung to him and let myself go for the first time since I had heard the news.

  “I was such an asshole to him,” I said, the guilt clawing at my conscience like a feral cat in a bag, trying to get out. “He deserved better than me….” My whole body shook as I was wracked with sob after sob.

  “Hey,” Kyle said softly. “Hey, listen to me,” he repeated when he saw I was still crying. “Kelly did what he did because of other people, not you. He loved you, Brad. He always loved you, and that is because he could see the same thing I do. A guy who’s worth loving, no matter what.” His words were like a slap in the face, and I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “You want to honor his memory? You want to respect his death? Honor his life. Do what he couldn’t. Live.”

  My sorrow was now mixed with absolute and complete awe of the guy in front of me. There was Wayne’s World “I am not worthy” and then there was the actual truth that the person you are with is so out of your league, that every day with them is a fucking gift from God.

  That was where I was.

  “Come on,” he said, giving me a smile. “Let’s get going.”

  He began to walk me toward the car, but I pulled him back into another hug, my arms wrapped around him tightly as I tried to will my love and dedication into him. “I love you so much.” I felt him hug me back.

  “It’s going to be okay, Brad. I promise.”

  I wished I believed him.

  The funeral home was on the other end of town. I had never been there myself, but as the only mortuary in town, everyone knew where it was. When we arrived, the parking lot was packed, and I saw a ton of people walking into the small chapel. Kelly’s dad stood at the entrance. Next to him was a picture of Kelly, probably taken for his senior class portrait. Something else he would never see. I swallowed hard and tried to force my emotions down as we got out of the car.

  My hope that this day would get better vanished when Kelly’s dad saw Kyle and me walking toward him.

  If you have never seen actual hate on someone’s face when they look at you, let me tell you, it is not something you just shrug off. There is an almost physical wall of emotion pushed toward you, making your steps slow no matter how sure you are that they won’t hit you. To his credit, though, Kelly’s dad didn’t so much as skip a beat.

  When we got up to him, he said through gritted teeth, “I don’t think you boys want to be here.” There was still a smile on his face, and those who were at a distance probably thought he was simply greeting us. Anyone closer would be able to see the murder in his eyes.

  “We’re here to pay our respects,” Kyle said, not even blinking. “We’re not here to cause trouble.”

  “Then leave,” Mr. Aimes said, his hands balled into fists.

  Kyle and he stared at each other for several tense seconds before Kyle asked, “Or what? You going to take a swing at me? Try to beat me up? You sure you want everyone here to see what you really think of gay people?” I gave Kyle a double take as I saw the older man’s face redden with fury.

  “I loved my son,” he growled.

  “So much so you were going to send him to a straight camp? You loved him so much that you demeaned him and his sexuality?”

  “My son was not gay.” He took half a step toward Kyle, and I moved between them.

  “Keep telling yourself that,” Kyle shot back. “If that’s what lets you sleep at night, then you scream it from the rooftops, but we both know it’s not true.” I really thought Kyle was going to take the first swing.

  “Do you think you were doing anyone any favors with that stunt at school?” he asked. “Embarrassing us like that? After that crap, you expect me to let you in?”

  Kyle laughed sarcastically. “Incredible. Kelly is dead, and you are still more worried about what other people think. You know what?” he said, his voice changing. “You’re right; I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”

  “Good. Then leave,” Mr. Aimes commanded.

  “Your son is in a better place,” Kyle continued, ignoring him completely. “He is in a place where there is no fear or hatred or any of that. He is beyond that now, and that makes me feel good because I know it’s where he belongs. But you know what makes me feel even better? The fact that you will never see him again.” I actually gasped, but Kyle just kept talking. “See, you’re not going to get to that place, Mr. Aimes. You are going to spend the rest of your miserable life with the knowledge that you helped cause your son to kill himself. And when you die, you won’t be sharing heaven with him. You don’t deserve to.”

  “Get the fuck out.” Now it looked like Kelly�
��s dad was going to hit Kyle.

  But Kyle just kept on talking. “We’re taught as kids that we’re supposed to trust our parents, to run to you for safety when we’re scared and hurt. We’re told a lot of things that aren’t true. I was told there weren’t monsters under my bed or in my closet. That much was true. What I wasn’t told is that there are real monsters, out walking around in broad daylight.” Kyle reached past him and grabbed the picture of Kelly. “You know what happens to monsters at the end of the story, Mr. Aimes?” The man was visibly shaking with rage. “Someone comes along and slays them.”

  Kyle turned back toward me. “I need a ride.” And he walked away.

  I fumbled for something to say to Mr. Aimes, but everything that came to mind all boiled down to the same sentiment. “Fuck you,” I said and followed after Kyle.

  He already sat in the car, as angry as I had ever seen him. I got in the car and looked over at him. “Where are we going?”

  “Drive out East Avenue,” he answered, staring straight ahead.

  “What’s out there?” I asked, confused.

  He looked at me, and I could see he was barely holding on. “Please, Brad, just drive?”

  Without another word, I turned the key, backed out of that horror of a funeral, and did as Kyle had asked.

  Once we left the city proper, the world around us could have been the surface of the moon. So much of Texas was made of up these open, barren places where no one lived. We huddled together in our cities and towns, small groups of humans clinging to each other like survivors from a shipwreck. We should have been able to work together to make sure we didn’t really die on a reef, but we just couldn’t. Surrounded by a gigantic world bent on its own business, we wasted our time snarling and clawing at each other. I just had no idea anymore where all this hate came from. What did it prove? What did it accomplish?

  Besides killing people.

  We drove for almost an hour before he said, “Over to the right.”

  And out in the middle of nowhere, there stood a bar.